Cosmopolitan spells out the 9 stages of texting in a relationship! Tell me this doesn’t sound familiar..

1. One Week Is this text funny enough to be the One Text that I send him today? It’s a reference to an inside joke from our date! But is it obvious that I’m just looking for an excuse to text him? Ugh, I’ll just do it. OH NONONO AUTOCORRECT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE I CAN’T SPELL.

It’s been ten minutes and he hasn’t texted me back, so obviously he thinks I’m a hose beast or I remind him of his older half-sister or something.

2. Two Weeks ~*~*~oMG~*~, this nonstop text banter is so great! I never find guys who are good at text banter, and we’ve been going back and forth for days now! I wonder if we should start Gchatting? Is that too forward, though? Gchat’s not for everyone. It’s like the anal sex of communication.
Can I write “LOL” in a text yet? Are we there? Does he know that my intelligence isn’t cancelled out by my love for abreves? Eh, I’ll wait until I drop a few more David Foster Wallace references at dinner.

3. One Month He hasn’t texted me today. I wonder if that means something? Nah. Maybe. Nah. We Gchatted today, so we’re cool, I think. Just to open a new line of communication, I’ll email him a link to this Vine of Drake lint-rolling his pants front row at a Raptors game with the subject line “LOLOLOOLZ.”

4. Three Months Talking on the phone at night sometimes before we go to bed has been nice, even though sometimes I just want to say good night after fifteen minutes, hang up and go back to this Friends rerun. We also take turns calling each other — it seems like we’re equally invested in the before-bed call. #equality is good. This is what Susan B. Anthony fought for!

5. Six Months We have now accrued so many inside jokes that our texts are indecipherable to anyone else. We will never have to talk about Serious Relationship Things, we’ll just be hilarious together forever!

Never mind. I just sent a passive-aggressive text to him for the first time because he wants to bail on our plans to play pickup with his obnoxious friend D-Dog. What the hell kind of name is D-Dog, anyway? I’m not responding to these texts anymore.

6. Nine Months I will not let this relationship stagnate, goddammit. I’m texting to see if he wants to go on an impromptu road trip. I’m texting to see if he wants to go to the midnight showing of a new movie like we’re tweens again. I’m texting to see if he wants to do a threesome. … Wow, he responded to that one real quick.

7. One Year I want to tell him about this weird thing my co-worker just did. Dare I call him at work? Screw it, I’m calling him at work. [in a whisper] “I love you too.” I hope nobody heard that.

8. Two Years and Beyond

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9. Engaged We’ve been sending sappy texts in the middle of the day about how fun our married lives will be. Oh, I need to tell him to pick up toilet paper.