The rest of America thinks we’re a frozen tundra 365 days a year. Well guess what, rest of America? Our short, sweet Summer blows yours out of the water. Here’s why:
We value the season way more than you do We’ve only got two, maybe three months of warm weather. We will not squander a second of it inside watching network TV summer replacement shows, unless Merlin comes back.
No, seriously, you have no idea We love Summer so much Minneapolis’ official civic celebration is the Aquatennial, in July, as opposed to a possibly more appropriate Icequatennial in December. St. Paul’s Grand Old Day — which ushers in Summer on June 1st — is the biggest one-day fest in the Midwest. Dudes rock cargo shorts year around in anticipation of this moment when they finally make sense.
We really are the Land of 10,000 Lakes And every one of them is an opportunity for a booze cruise (or just inner-tubing with a koozie).
We’re also the Land of 10,000 Golf Courses Just follow any dude you see with pale legs and you’ll find one.
Our outdoor concert series have the best puns We have “
Rock the Garden”, because it’s held in a sculpture garden, and many sculptures are made of rock. You have “Concert in the Park”. It’s like you don’t even care.
We have free bikes all over the damn place And unlike
New York some cities nicknamed The Big Apple, we don’t freak out about them or write apocalyptic editorials with titles like “Death By Bicycle”. We just say thank you and go on our way.
Everybody gets in on the action Like when
El Burrito Mercado blasts salsa music and serves up elotes in the parking lot. You the man, corn!
We invented water skiing Ralph Samuelson.
Look it up!
Our rooftops are happening We have dozens of rooftop bars. Maybe you do too, but with us it feels like the sun’s a rock star on tour and we’re groupies and the rooftop bars are “backstage” where the naughty happens. Also,
one of the rooftops has a grass bocce court. Come on, that’s awesome.
You can watch these! When you think Minnesota summers, you now think “watching
Lake Phalen Dragon Boat Races while downing Filipino, Vietnamese and Hmong food like it was Cracker Jacks.”
Our July 4th fireworks display lights up the ruins of what was once the world’s largest flourmill Your July 4th fireworks display is the butt of a Mickey Avalon joke.
We don’t exile our nudists… Most nudists frolic outside city limits, but Hidden Beach is just a hop, skip and jump-in-the-water from the very establishments that make taking off your clothes in public seem like such a good idea.
…or our kayakers You can kayak or canoe a chain of lakes right in the middle of town, where the biggest adventure in most cities is “parking”.
Food truck explosion! Winter’s a struggle, but then during Summer they’re like bears coming out of hibernation, except whether it’s Chef Shack mini donuts or Kogi Brothers bulgogi or Foxy Falafels falafels, you’re eating them.
Our air is alive with overachievement The Twins are so good at overachieving (historically! at least they always outperform their payroll!) we built them an outdoor stadium so that after half the early season games get snowed out they can overachieve even more.
And also alive with sweet movies From Solera’s rooftop to Loring Park, we basically spend three months forgetting there are things called “indoor theaters”.
We cap our Summer with the best state fair in all the states People talk about Texas, but our fried cheese curds dominate their fried cheese curds, they don’t even have
Sweet Martha’s, and
Boyz II Men has never once played there. They did play Iowa’s, but Wanya Morris said that was his least favorite show ever.
